I Don’t Love Him Anymore

I know I shouldn’t be but I am my brother who is great a wonderful person an excellent student, a great son is going to college. He is going to Baylor in Waco. And yes the 28 yr old is jealous of the not yet 18 yr old.

I am jealous not in a bitchy you son of a bitch way. I don’t think my mom or dad knows I am jealous but today as my mom described going through the process of finding and securing loans and grants and scholarships for him over the last for months for his first summer school and first year. Then describe visiting the school and helping set up his dorm for the summer and all the neat things they have to offer I became teary eyed and slowly started the tears you know those again the ones you cryt silently hoping my mom couldn’t tell.

I cried because at 15 I met a boy I thought I loved. I cried because at 17 I met another I though I loved and then I married ruining my life. And I will freeely admit that marrying J was a huge giant mistake at 17 when your doing reasonably well in high school the worst choice you can ever make is to marry. You don’t have a mom and dad to push you out of bed every morning to make sure you o to school. No matter what happened when I was 17 I didn’t push myself hard enough and then I wasted 2 yrs not doing anything but working crap jobs I didn’t even get my GED until E came into my life. I wish with all my heart I could back and change that even if it meant not having my kids it may sound selfish but really you know if I had graduated if I hadn’t done the things that lead me here the children that I could have brought into the world would have had a better life than my daughter. God that sounds bad but what parent doesn’t want the best for their child.

My mother called me back about an hour ago and said why ????? why didn’t you do it you are so smart you know so much you could have done what your brother is doing now. And asI stated above I SCREWED UP. I got married to a guy I thought was it (like almost all of them I think) I gave up a lifestyle that was excellent compared to a lot of teenagers for a much poorer (not just financially) life. Basically because I wanted to be free from them.

I SCREWED UP and I hate myself sometimes for it and I am jealous of my bro I want that chance and I really kick myself for not doing when I had every opportunity.

And yes I know I can go back to school I am going to try but you know what I still play the what if game I know your not supposed and almost all of my life I have always had the idea of “NO REGRETS” regret nothing because you can’t change the past.

Well damn it I regret this one thing. I get that my life will never be the same I get that really I do but damn it why can’t I just get a leg up and make the right decisions once in a lifetime. I love my kids I hate my husband and I just want it all to get better to get out of this hole sometimes it feels like I am still stuck back in OKLAHOMA being dragged down I wonder if BFETX where I am now is going to be my next OKLAHOMA when I lived their after I married the first time my life got worse and worse. Starting with an OK life to eventually living with someone who hit, no elec, no water, and no food, and then having to finally give in and call E to save me because I was to ashamed of myself to call my mom and dad. Now I feel as if this is happening again I am destined to keep the circle going and will I pass it on to my daughter. I hope not but I will damned if either of my kids will get married before college I will pay them not although with no college education myself I am not sure where the money will come from lol

ME